“I guess I’m a needy cat; I wasn’t always this way. A lot of cats, you know, they’ll hang out for days on their favorite perch and reappear for mealtimes. Me, I’m different- I’ve always liked the closeness of the humans, the mountainous warmth, their soft clothes, the feeling of skin between the claws. When they get too touchy-petty I just yowl, or bat their glasses off and jump away. They don’t taste bad, either; licking’s a bad habit I picked up from the dogs, but it does go down well with the humans. We get a bad rap- dogs are man’s best friend, we’re man’s reclusive roommate who poops in a box. Dogs poop in boxes too, you know, only they’re called yards.
I’m grateful my humans don’t own a dog. Big, goofy suckers whose heads are too big for their dumb bodies- do they get we have needle-sharp scythes growing out of our appendages? The hiss is for your own good, I always said to the shelter’s curious canines. But, more than that, I’m grateful there isn’t a second cat in the house. Can’t abide them; I take it most humans feel the same way about each other. That sonuvabitch is back on my window! Oooo, if this pane of glass weren’t in the way, I’d carve him a new one!
I guess because of my history with my own kind, I prefer humans to cats. They’re like bigger, dumber versions of us, spending all that energy yapping, and not enough sleeping in the sunshine. Speaking of which, there’s my favorite time of day coming up…”